Dear Mega-church lady,
I have thinking about it and I have decided that you are right, we in our lil’ ghetto mission church should give up. We need to face the fact that if a church is going to work in America it has to do it fast and make lots of money. The only places where it should take time, or energy to develop a congregation is in foreign countries among savages and the like, you know people with bones in their noses or whatever…but in this country with its “Judeo-Christian” heritage there is a big enough pool of people to draw a congregation from, and almost all of them are dying to come to our church if it is cool enough. So mega-church lady I repent. I will quit, tell the new converts and young believers and everyone else in the neighborhood that they should drive to your church. My bad.
I also want to thank you mega-church lady for your ministry sense. On that tip I want to write down some lessons you have taught me about church planting (clearly your area of expertise as someone who attends a mega-church), so that others can learn from you and hopefully not make the dreadful mistakes that I have made.
- The first step to being a sucessfull church is location, location, location. There are two choices when it comes to location either anyplace in an affluent suburb or even better in a new trendy downtown area. Just make sure that the area is very trendy or the undesirable elements will frequent the area and you will be back in the same situation. The added benefit of the downtown city center is that your members can think of themselves as doing “urban” ministry without getting their Escalade marked up or scratched by a homeless dude or something.
- Once you have a location the next thing you should do is get yourself on the staff of another mega-church, this is very key. Church planting is all that rage now-a-days, and mega churches often need someplace to put all those extra people. Somewhere between 200-800 of those people will form your core group.
- Get the mega church to give you the 200-800 people and set up church.
- Those 200-800 people will give, I mean not really at a sacrificial level or anything but they are already solidly in the middle to upper middle class so their money will cover a nice enough salary for you to send your kids to a nice Christian school and to cover all the programs you are going to need for the new church plant.
- It is very important that you have these 200-800 people not only for financial purposes but also when you start with at least 200 people who have been in church for years and know how to work the “Christian system” you will hardly notice the negative effects if someone who does not believe should accidentally walk in.
- That brings up another important point: Some seem to mistakenly believe that church plants need unbelievers to survive and be effective. Not true. A better way, as we have said, is to fill it up with lots of the coolest Christians you can find in your town. The results will be amazing. Christians love the new coolest thing. Once you get on the cool radar you are going to blow up! You will have thousands! The best part is that 99 % of them will already be Christians. Eureka: you have a booming church without hardly even getting your hands dirty.
- You should do outreach of course. That is what homeless shelters, food banks and Mexico are for.
- Speaking of Mexico: This is very important if you really want to have a great Mega-plant: Limit the “people of color” it may seem like a great idea to reflect Revelation 5:9 and all, but trust me America is not ready for that. Let those people have their own churches. The only exception of course is that it is ok to have 3-6 Asians as long as they work as doctors or Financial advisors. We all love a Japanese doctor.
- Which brings up another point, you should probably focus on professionals, none of those factory workers, or worse yet unemployed and goodness lets not even talk about those homeless and addicted. It is not that there is anything wrong with these people, well not with most factory workers anyway, Its just that Mega-Churches are the ultimate example of successful, and it would not do to fill one with unsuccessful people.
- If you church is still under 2000 after 3 years you should give up and go back to a respectable job in the private sector. No shame it just did not work out.
Mega-Church lady, I may have more later, but thank you for these lessons you have taught me. I am on my way over to the church building to shut things down, after that I will sell my house and move to a nice neighborhood. I am hoping that after a few years and learning proper white culture God might restore me and use me in ministry again somehow. Maybe I can someday be a children’s pastor at your church or something, that would be ok. I mean it would pay 5 times what I am currently making.
PS: You are right, I will never read a book about William Carey or Judson again. Those were totally for another time and place. God is fast now.