Dear Mega-Church lady…

16 Jul

Dear Mega-church lady,

I have thinking about it and I have decided that you are right,  we in our lil’ ghetto mission church should give up.  We need to face the fact that if a church is going to work in America it has to do it fast and make lots of money.  The only places where it should take time, or energy to develop a congregation is in foreign countries among savages and the like,  you know people with bones in their noses or whatever…but in this country with its “Judeo-Christian” heritage there is a big enough pool of people to draw a congregation from, and almost all of them are dying to come to our church if it is cool enough.  So mega-church lady I repent.  I will quit,  tell the new converts and young believers and everyone else in the neighborhood that they should drive to your church.  My bad.

I also want to thank you mega-church lady for your ministry sense.   On that tip I want to write down some lessons you have taught me about church planting (clearly your area of expertise as someone who attends a mega-church),  so that others can learn from you and hopefully not make the dreadful mistakes that I have made.

  1. The first step to being a sucessfull church is location, location, location.   There are two choices when it comes to location either anyplace in an affluent suburb or even better in a new trendy downtown area.  Just make sure that the area is very trendy or the undesirable elements will frequent the area and you will be back in the same situation.  The added benefit of the downtown city center is that your members can think of themselves as doing “urban” ministry without getting their Escalade marked up or scratched by a homeless dude or something.
  2. Once you have a location the next thing you should do is get yourself on the staff of another mega-church,  this is very key.  Church planting is all that rage now-a-days,  and mega churches often need someplace to put all those extra people.  Somewhere between 200-800 of those people will form your core group.
  3. Get the mega church to give you the 200-800 people and set up church.
  4. Those 200-800 people will give,  I mean not really at a sacrificial level or anything but they are already solidly in the middle to upper middle class so their money will cover a nice enough salary for you to send your kids to a nice Christian school and to cover all the programs you are going to need for the new church plant.
  5. It is very important that you have these 200-800 people not only for financial purposes but also when you start with at least 200 people who have been in church for years and know how to work the “Christian system” you will hardly notice the negative effects if someone who does not believe should accidentally walk in.
  6. That brings up another important point:  Some seem to mistakenly believe that church plants need unbelievers to survive and be effective.  Not true.  A better way, as we have said, is to fill it up with lots of the coolest Christians you can find in your town.  The results will be amazing.  Christians love the new coolest thing.  Once you get on the cool radar you are going to blow up!  You will have thousands!  The best part is that 99 % of them will already be Christians.  Eureka: you have a booming church without hardly even getting your hands dirty.
  7. You should do outreach of  course.  That is what homeless shelters, food banks and Mexico are for.
  8. Speaking of Mexico:  This is very important if you really want to have a great Mega-plant:  Limit the “people of color” it may seem like a great idea to reflect Revelation 5:9 and all, but trust me America is not ready for that.  Let those people have their own churches.  The only exception of course is that it is ok to have 3-6 Asians as long as they work as doctors or Financial advisors.  We all love a Japanese doctor.
  9. Which brings up another point, you should probably focus on professionals,  none of those factory workers, or worse yet unemployed and goodness lets not even talk about those homeless and addicted.  It is not that there is anything wrong with these people,  well not with most factory workers anyway,  Its just that Mega-Churches are the ultimate example of successful,  and it would not do to fill one with unsuccessful people.
  10. If you church is still under 2000 after 3 years you should give up and go back to a respectable job in the private sector.  No shame it just did not work out.

Mega-Church lady, I may have more later, but thank you for these lessons you have taught me.  I am on my way over to the church building to shut things down, after that I will sell my house and move to a nice neighborhood.  I am hoping that after a few years and learning proper white culture God might restore me and use me in ministry again somehow.  Maybe I can someday be a children’s pastor at your church or something,  that would be ok.  I mean it would pay 5 times what I am currently making.

Yours,

D

PS:  You are right,  I will never read a book about William Carey or Judson again.  Those were totally for another time and place.  God is fast now.

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14 Responses to “Dear Mega-Church lady…”

  1. Joe Louthan July 16, 2009 at 12:15 pm #

    I absolutely love this post. I am going to use for a checklist when and if God calls me to plant a church.

    For a minute there, I thought my heart was breaking for the unbelievers in Near South Side in Fort Worth. After reading this, I guess it was just gas from last night’s nachos with extra jalapenos.

    All kidding aside, there are many mega-church men and ladies who are stuck in the megachurch mindset. We pray that God not only save the unbelievers but the self-righteous as well.

  2. poopemerges July 16, 2009 at 12:26 pm #

    True Joe. And then there are great Mega-Churches (The Village, MH Seattle…) but this is therapy for a real event yesterday.

  3. Alan Smith July 16, 2009 at 12:29 pm #

    It must be great to have everything so smugly figured out and make yourself feel better by mocking,criticizing, and stereotyping others.

  4. poopemerges July 16, 2009 at 12:37 pm #

    Alan, it must be sad to have no sense of humor, empathy or reading comprehension. This is a response to a real situation… Are you bothered because I am willing to die in the hood to bring the gospel to people who have not heard? Are you like the church lady who thought we should give up? I am genuinely confused by what bothered you.

    I find people tend to cry stereo-typing when it hits to close to home…if you are nothing like this you have nothing to be offended by. The post is addressed to “Church lady” you are not her. So what is it that has you so upset?

  5. mikevandrie July 16, 2009 at 12:54 pm #

    Dude, don’t you know, the people that live near us don’t deserve Jesus. They aren’t good enough.

  6. a July 16, 2009 at 2:21 pm #

    oh poop, that was fun. who was this picture of female brilliance that provoked your post?

  7. poopemerges July 16, 2009 at 2:32 pm #

    I can’t say 🙂 that would be over the top and I am never over the top…lol.

  8. a July 16, 2009 at 5:26 pm #

    oh. ha! i thought it was something you read online!

  9. poopemerges July 16, 2009 at 5:37 pm #

    No actual real live experience! It really happened.

  10. LayGuy July 17, 2009 at 4:08 am #

    Too funny poop!

    What’s with Alan?

    Too close for comfort?…

  11. Broken Pastor December 7, 2009 at 5:22 pm #

    Someone tweeted your link. I laughed and then I cried because it is funny and true.

    This church planting thing will kill you if you let it.

    Graced and beloved.
    BP

  12. Broken Pastor December 7, 2009 at 5:29 pm #

    Oh and I say, let it kill you.

  13. Bishop Lawrence Hancock December 18, 2009 at 3:43 pm #

    Church planting in the hood is good…my congratulations to those whom God has called and equipped to do at such a time as this…I too am a church planter and I cant think of any better way to die than on the battle field for my Lord…Grace and Peace

    +Hancock

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